A sexologist and psychotherapist talks about the causes of erectile dysfunction and how to overcome them.
Increasing potency, or where does "male power" go?
The Internet and television are awash with advertisements for "miracle" pills and potions that promise to restore "male power" and get rid of erectile dysfunction. And supply, as we know, is born of demand. What happened - why did men "spoil"? Internet and social networks turned out to be "more interesting" than living women? Or perhaps the ladies themselves are to blame for the fact that their gentlemen have less and less desire to be a man, as well as the desire to fulfill that desire?
A well-known sexologist-psychotherapist answered these and other questions for our correspondent.
If a man is not interested in a particular woman and sex life in general, impotence ensues. . . This is fair?
- The term "impotence" is excluded from the world classification of diseases and replaced by the term "erectile dysfunction". However, the word "impotence" is still common in everyday life. The literal translation means "without power". For men, this is a very significant area of life. And if there are flaws in it, in almost all cases, regardless of the main reasons, there will also be a mental component. Men only see the symptom, the result. And they refer to the loss of erection or its weakening in the process of sexual intimacy. Of course, as a rule, an emotional component adds to these complaints. A man can have anxiety and even depression. Whatever women think about men, in fact, they all want to succeed not just at work, but in their personal lives as well.
There is now a lot of talk about impotence "getting younger". And so?
- I have 16 years of experience in the profession and I can trust not only statistics, but also my own observations. In fact, in the last 10 to 15 years, one can notice a decrease in the average age of our patients. More and more young people are participating. At the beginning of my career, the average age of patients was 40 years old, now it is 35.
When a man "can't and won't, " which is to blame in the first place: physiology, psychology, or perhaps social factors?
- There is usually no single reason. When I communicate with a patient, I try to understand his lifestyle—how are his emotions, does he get enough sleep, does he have a midlife crisis? What are his attitudes in the intimate sphere, what is his partner's behavior? After all, for example, a woman who does not know how to seduce, but demands only the fulfillment of "marital duty", is often one of the causes of psychogenic erectile dysfunction. Often, in practice, there is a syndrome of anxious anticipation of sexual failure. In this state, a man fixates on failure, and next time he is already waiting for her. Sex becomes a test for him. And if a woman willingly or unwillingly "adds fuel to the fire, " a sexual neurosis is formed. And the man activates "avoidant behavior. "Some bump into work or alcohol. Some - unconsciously provoke quarrels with the wife, so that the idea of intimacy seems absurd. Confused men sometimes choose different paths instead of going to the doctor. And exacerbate the problem and relationships with a partner, wife. And it's not far from divorce. Some go to a urologist due to illiteracy, but it is necessary - to a sexologist.
Not "can" or "won't"?Women are often plagued by a question: which is more important - "can't" or "won't"?
- As they say, one does not interfere with the other - you can "not want" and "can't" at the same time. But it's important to remember that an erection is first and foremost a clear indicator of "I want to", not "I can". But even this "wanting" is not unlimited. Much depends on the sexual constitution, that is, on the temperament of the man.
Is it true that men themselves often don't realize the problem or even accuse the woman of wanting "too much" from him?
- You can demand praise and eroticism from a man - for example, kisses, gentle caresses. And the erection does not obey the will. Neither the will of a woman, nor the will of a man. As soon as the word or thought "should" arises, this is the beginning of the road to a dead end.
Increasingly, they talk about the impact of stress on a modern man - is it really so terrible for the intimate sphere?
- Certainly. Nature is against conception in a stressful situation. And it reduces the degree of attraction through hormonal mechanisms. Stress levels increase - the level of the anti-stress hormone prolactin increases and in turn suppresses the production of testosterone, the hormone responsible for sexual desire in both men and women. As a result, the sexual sphere becomes outdated.
The main woman is the mother.It is said that a man's ability to "be a man" depends on his upbringing and what kind of relationship he has with his mother - is this true?
- Undoubtedly! The first prototype of a woman for a boy is a mother. It is she who lays the groundwork for relationships with the opposite sex. Every woman who wants happiness for her child, especially a boy, must breastfeed him for at least the first year after birth. It is during this period that a positive and negative, open or cautious attitude towards women is formed. Mother is first and foremost a woman. And if the family is not complete and the mother tries to play the role of both parents, the child will not see female or male behavior as a result. . . And as a result, your experience of communicating with the opposite sex can be negative. And this is a direct path to isolation, to disappointment. . . Also, isolation may not be literal, but emotional. For example, a man can change partners infinitely, remaining alone. In sexology this is called promiscuity, that is, promiscuity without the ability to establish deep emotional relationships. Therefore, if a person dreams of creating a strong and happy family, these situations require in-depth study.
What are the most common mistakes made by mothers raising boys?
- The boy should see an example of masculine behavior. If not in the family, then in the sports section. In the end, there are uncles, grandfathers. But ideally, of course, there should be a father that the boy's mother loves. Excessive guardianship, pressure, dictates are dangerous. They are filled with the appearance of childish and feminine behavior in a teenager.
Marry - just for love! Some women are obsessed with their appearance and will do anything to please their husbands. And some stop taking care of themselves, focusing entirely on the family, on the children. Perhaps, in general, a woman behaves so "wrongly" that her man simply loses interest in intimate life?
- A lot depends on a woman, both in a positive and negative sense. For example, you can appear in front of your husband in untidy clothes, scold him in case of sexual failure (although, if you think about it, it's actually not his failure, but hers), not support him, but humiliate him and "finish off" with words and all his behavior, and here's the result: he doesn't want anything! Therefore, to the young women who come to see me, I constantly say: "Marry for love, respect your man, praise him - and he will move mountains for you! " A stylish appearance, good physical shape, perfume, hygiene are always an advantage . But some women's panicked obsession with their appearance is already a problem with a woman's self-esteem and her relationships with others. After all, if people are attracted to each other just for their bodies, this is a "castrated" version of human love. There must be a desire of souls, people must be interested together not only in bed, but also outside of it.
These "terrible" businesswomen. It turns out that a socially successful woman doesn't attract, but scares a man? After all, where did the armies of beautiful, smart, successful women who suffer from loneliness come from? Why do men avoid them?
- It's not about success, it's about behavior patterns. If a woman in a competitive environment starts using masculine role models - for example, she becomes assertive, tough, and this is sometimes necessary in a competitive environment, then masculine or, more simply, "courageous" men don't like that. . Feminine - more "feminine" (these are the so-called "sissies"), such a model may seem attractive, as they are used to obeying.
Take care of the men! If a woman is ready to fight for her man, for the happiness of the family, how should she behave when her husband has problems in bed?
At the very least, you need to let him sleep. Completely stop any criticism - even one that a woman might find constructive. Ask forgiveness for past mistakes. To express that she doesn't need sex for at least a week. It's time to get to know each other better. And in this context - daily relaxing massages with oils. And you need to do them one by one. If there is no positive dynamic in this context, you should definitely go to a sexologist, who can find hidden medical and psychological reasons for the situation. It is important to explain to the man that there will be no search for "guilty" and "sick" at the reception. Meetings with a doctor are necessary to improve the quality of your sex life - and it is possible!
Is there an example of its practice when a woman helped a man gain faith in himself - in every way?
- I'll tell you about my recent patient's wife. Her behavior is amazing! I was approached by a businessman who had suffered greatly from the new economic conditions. Many problems befell him, and amid the stress, his attraction to his wife began to diminish. But most of all, he was worried about how he was going to tell her that maybe soon he could completely lose her business and they would be broke and in big debt. . . But his wife was used to a high standard of living. . . I advised her to tell him everything there is. If she is not a close person, who will support us in difficult times? And my intuition didn't fail me. The patient at the next appointment reported that his wife heard him and said, "Okay, if that happens, I'll go to work too. And anyway, I fell in love with you when you were a poor student. I love you now and always. I will love you no matter what. With those words alone, the man gained strength, the panic went away and his business improved - in every way. At the last appointment he told me: "I will never leave my wife - I will remember this day all my life! "I think this woman deserves your love. And I'm okay with their relationship. I want people to love each other more, appreciate, respect, support. And that wasn't words, but deeds.